i hate that i can't shut this out. i have been that person. i am the one to go on acting normally and to not feel. but i don't know how to close this up. it keeps sneaking up on me at the most inopportune times. i dont want to remember. i dont want to forget. i honestly believe that this is the hardest thing a person will ever have to go through. the process of becoming unloved. needing love is one of the most basic and intrinsic needs as a human being. our very genetic make-up demands connection. not just overall connection but that one equal. the one person with whom no rules apply. the one we can give ourselves to entirely. i believe that we have several of these throughout our lives. people with whom we share the world. ones who see us and know us and just get us. they come in various forms and they stay for unprecidented time. but while they are there, we remember why we were created. completion. and we as people flourish.
i feel cheated. i always expected to lose you because i loved you so much. and i was right. it is atrocious that i had to give you everything i had to keep you, only to lose you, and consequently myself.
i hate being lost. i have spent so many wasted years of my short life feeling lost and out of place. i finally reached that point where i didnt have to feel amiss. i thought that you would be there to catch me. but i was wrong. and now i find myself back where i started. back in a place that's unreachable. i could head in any direction that i want. why that doesnt thrill me, i cannot understand. isnt that what i've always wanted? to be free and spontaneous and to not be held down? i hate being scared. i need to understand that it's ok. i went out on a huge limb and it broke and i fell, but that doesnt mean that i'm going to fall every time. eventually, i will be caught. eventually, it wont break me. every fall allows me to remember what it is to be alive. the process of getting to the limb was worth the fall. what i saw come from myself was completely worth it.
and maybe i was wrong about all of it. maybe love doesnt last. maybe it really isnt possible to experience forever. but it was incredible while i experienced it. i know that i am not the only person who has ever gone through this. im not so self absorbed as to think that nobody has ever felt this deeply, or acutely. but no one has felt what it feels like to be me feeling this. and in that i am alone. oh, if i could only make this ache go away. i believed in us and he doesnt anymore. he is moving on and the worst part is that i agree with him. we cant be who we were. he isnt the same and neither am i. we were starry eyed kids once who loved with a love that was bigger then us. we grew up and the love still didnt fit. what seemed so big seems a little on the small side now.
