let it be

and so, in this vast sea of indecision that i am currently drowning in, i have at last found a beacon of hope on the horizon. why it took me so long to come to this realization is beyond me. alas, i have realized that, even though i crave change and variance, i have had my fill. i have lived in seven different locations in the last year which translates into seven different houses in five different cities in two states. in a mere 365 days. i am ridiculous. i am staying put for now. one year. absolutely no changes in life until january of next year. it is time for roots and growth and healing. i need this time to figure myself out. i need time to be. i need to be whoever i find that i need to be, whoever that is. i need freedom for myself. i simply need time to just be. and so shall i recieve. i have big life decisions that need to be made. i need to process everything that has happened in the last year and i need to clear my head. i need to get into the nitty gritty and live it. period.

i am breaking in two. breaking into a million smaller pieces, each a distinct version of myself. i read others writing and something so deep in me moves that i cannot breathe. i long for knowledge and truth and beauty and desire. oh how i am famished for passion. i want to love and hurt and i want my ache to mean something. you say a heart is a fragile thing, but why is mine not breaking? i should be dead but i'm thriving. more then merely surving and yet...it is still not enough. i have no answers. i have no truth. all i have is longing for things i can never attain. so many figs, not enough time. i want to devour them so grandly that the juice spills from my mouth and my hands are stained. i want to know what it feels like to not be empty. to be full to overflowing so that i might pour on those around me. passion is worthless if it's not shared. i was made for more. my soul silently screams, i was meant for more. the very rythym of heart pounds out, i was made for more.