i want to slit my wrists and bleed you out.
i feel you inside me.
my pounding blood is the beat of your name,
the whispers of my heart call for you.
i want to rip it out.
silence the voice.
drip you out of my system and pray i survive.
to burn down the pillars of you
and find my voice again.
my heart is my backbone.
as it breaks, it is made stronger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sweetest bliss of the most poisonous tree.
you swallowed me whole.
i buried myself in our idea.
i dug my own grave and blissfully slept unaware.
i fed myself the fruit and
drank deeply of the tainted juice.
i made my bed and invited you in.
your warmth was my sun,
your smile my blanket
your lies, the pillow under my head.
all i gave, i gave in ignorance.
but i gave from all i had.
your eyes were deep but you heart was shallow.
your lips were full but your words were empty.

i have a weakness. i need to be needed. it gives me security because it helps me see my parameters in any given relationship. i need to help. it strokes my ego to know that another person relies on my involvement in their life. it is where my sense of self worth comes from. or at least where i'm able to gather my sense of importance.
i find myself in a very precarious situation these days because i am not needed. my people have other people now. and it is such a good thing. but i find myself feeling very out of place in the relationship because i am unsure of my place. and i find myself questioning what i have to offer anyone. self-depreciation is far too quickly my fall back.
in any given relationship i am simply the other half. that is the only position i should have to take. when i put myself as the 'fixer' i am taking something beautiful away from someone else. no one is satisfied by one single other person. so it stands to reason that i cannot be all things to all people. i'm finding that i am able to redefine the relationship as it should be... simply, two people enjoying one another's company. no more, no less. its a very freeing experience. as it is with all chains recently broken, the wide openess of possibility can be very daunting but once aquainted, it is impossible to return.