dance me through the panic

poetry is just the evidence of life.

 if your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.

-l.c.

.in my head. in my head.

Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.

Helen Hayes, in Roy Newquist, Showcase, 1966

the best laid plans are often laid to waste...

i’ve never been a fan of new years resolutions, as mine tend to be dramatic and overzealous. but there’s something beautiful in envisioning what the year should look like. while fate and the forces that be tend to take my ideas and plans as a cosmic joke to rearrange and watch me squirm, there can be a happy medium. i want to make a list of things to remind myself of what i actually want to accomplish and see what shakes out....

im tired. tired of moving, tired of new, tired of change, tired of rolling with the punches and mising the point. i feel its all a bunch of lessons but i never have time to figure out what im supposed to be learning.

1. i want what i say i want every year - art. i want a release. i want to create. i want to find beauty within my self and express it outwardly.
-im going to do a day-by-day in feb. everyday, im going to create something new. perhaps a self portrait every day or a colour study or something themed (themes help me stay focused). im going to get my distractions in order in january and then free myself up for art in february.

2. im going to find financial security. january wil be spent getting my financial matters in order. by the end of january, i will have a budget completely organized and in place. i think matt and i should rearrange our current situation and google calendar should be able to help with a joint budget

3. i want to be practicing massage by march. i want everything in order for my license and i want to actually be practicing.

4. i want to explore my options with lush. perferably as a training liason or the like

5. i want to purchase a holga or a diana and i want to be taking pictures regularly

6. i want to be healthy. it’s going to include more fresh fruits and vegetables, more exercise,  less cigarettes, less coffee, less processed foods.

7. I want to discover my new surroundings and to connect to the community. volunteer at the ywca with battered women, local farmers market, etc

8. i want to garden. even if it’s only a little bit at first, i want to really try to grow stuff and take care of the earth. i want to convince grandma to compost.

9. i want to find intimacy with matt. i want to release what's holding me back, and i want to find open communication with him. it seems as though the longer we’re together, the less we talk or are willing to say. the only way to keep this relationship strong is respect, support, honesty, kindness, and consideration. i have no idea how to cultivate this. relationships are foreign to me. making them work is even harder.

10. i want to regain my spiritual center. going to church, reading merton, mother theresa, lewis, etc. writing, exploring, meditating

11. i want to find a way to have time to myself.

12. i want more time with loved ones. i want to cultivate relationships with those i love. i have such little quality time with those i hold most dear and this simply wont do. the girls, des, tyler, all the dads, gma, mom, ash, mel.

13. i want to write letters and send packages more often

14. ink!!! i want more ink!!!

here goes nothing...................................................!

luna.typepad (i forgot it's magic)

the smart ones often isolate themselves

" The subject of loneliness and the observation of the isolated person has always interested me. Even as a child, I couldn’t help but notice those who didn’t fit in for one reason or another—myself included. In life, and for my films, I have always been interested in the out-of-step. Curiously, it’s usually those who are either too smart or those who are too stupid who are left out. The difference is, the smart ones often isolate themselves, while the less intelligent ones are usually isolated by the others. In Nights of Cabiria, I explore the pride of one of those who has been excluded. "FEDERICO FELLINI

x

.shake me down. 

.not a lot of people left around.