i have a new apartment. it is the glory of my life. this is the first step in the shedding of my skin. the old is going and the new is just underneath. i hate change, i fear change, but oh how i long for it! how long have i been saying that i want things to be different, only to allow myself to go back to how they were? i went to minneapolis and it should've changed my life. i suppose, to an extent, it did. but now i've been home for two months and im empty again. but it's worse this time because i'm back where i was and i feel the difference still. if i keep on ignoring it and not doing anything to change it, i'm going to forget and things will return to business as usual. but if i were to actually do something about what i feel, it would be a very different thing indeed.
i can barely look myself in the eye anymore because of who i am and what i've become. i am living out of fear..the one and only thing i swore i would never be nor allow. i am too strong and i have come through far too much to simply bow under the pressure. yet, that is who i have become. i am afraid that my desires are too big, that i'm simply craving too much. if i could just settle for what i've been given... and yet, it is not enough. there is a craving deep inside me that refuses to allow it. it swallows up any chance i have at happiness in the mediocrity. not that i would ever actually want to be capable of living in mediocrity. i'm thanking my lucky stars that i'm not. but i am an extremist. i need passion, and vibrant colours, and something driving me. i do better with chaos because i am peaceful. i am a constant conundrum and contradiction and that works for me. i should not fear something that is so deeply engrained in me that i have no hope of removing it. i could shoose to fight it, but how exhausting. i struggle because i feel that the religiosity would claim this is what i should do. i should fight and overcome my desires. that they are sin and i should be dead to them. to be dead to my passion is to be more dead then death will bring. i have not been created to be stagnant.
what am i fighting, i wonder? what is holding me back? what do i feel i am being left from? life? that is of my own doing. who and what i am? also, i am the only one who can choose. it is up to me. life does not stop. only my responses to things can push the pause button.