we are never living, but hoping to live

desire is the deepest thing i feel. it is the innermost intrinsic experience of my life. i am constantly in a state of desiring, needing, longing. and it does not seem to serve me well. instead of filling me with hope, i am found to be emptier then when i began. am i just greedy? am i discontent with what i have and so i reach out for what others have been given? even when i'm happy, i am not content. everything should be different. how much of our lives is up to us? and how much just happens?

desire was placed in our hearts to revoke contentment. like a stagnant stream breeds disease, being complacent breeds disease in our hearts. if we had no secret drive, we would cease to be. and if it weren't secret and aloof, why would we press on to find it?

desire is elusive. it is a strange thing indeed to have something driving you that remains for the most part nameless and faceless. too many times we get caught up in the unknown and falter. What if it doesn't show itself? was it all-for-naught? what happens after we not only pursue our hearts desires but we actually attain them? i fear we forget that attaining them is simply the beginning. after that, we must fight ever harder to keep it.

we know, or at least we have an idea, of what we want. but we are never truly able to look it square in the eye because we don't know what we're going to find. what if our sneaking suspicions are true and this thing is so much bigger then ourselves? dare we unleash such a beast? we are well acquainted with the still, small nagging that tells us our hunger will be our undoing. if we were to actually embrace it, we could not contain it.

dare we come alive?

do we dare to awaken our hearts to their true desires?

of course we are creatures of desire and passion. it is intrinsic to our nature because it is intrinsic to our God. we were bourne of deep heart. our deep heart was our gift. and the very breath of God set it on fire. it is our compass and our guide back to the One who's deep heart first yearned. only in that reunion do we find completion, absolution.

"the greatest human tragedy is to give up on the search. nothing is of greater importance then the life of our deep heart. to lose heart is to lose everything."

i feel as though i'm losing everything...