perhaps i shall indeed perish from the longing

so much to say. so much to write. so much more to not say.
life is a confounded thing.
my head is full of nouns and verbs and adjectives used in an attempt to make sense of the pictures or feelings or intangibles floating around. how do you do justice to sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette, watching life go on around you while feeling nothing but dead? how can one possibly express the empty ache for a misplaced closeness or the utter satisfaction of knowing a smile? can language ever truly accomplish the arduous task of longing for the things that can never be again?
while i resoundingly think not, i do try.
oh how my contradictions go.
earlier this week i believed myself to be losing my mind. i've lost my heart. isnt it the next logical thing to go?
i do so love a good zombie flick. but not when im the main character. i go through my days as a poser, checking off my to-do list. laundry - check. dishes - check. smile - check. breathe- check. my tick marks act as a calendar of sorts for how long ive been here but moreso what ive accomplished. it feels like so much more when even the little things are difficult.
my world is spinning and im getting sick.
nostalgia haunts my days, while living (or the lack thereof) haunts my nights and im caught in this weird paradigm of what could be.
always so full of promise and gusto. but to what?
have i made you proud? you who always knew better, always knew more, always knew... knew what? your condemnations and expectations have only served as markers for where i havent been.
i want to remember that this is what i want. this is what ive chosen. may i be happy please?
perhaps it is not meant for me. perhaps longing is truly to be my only constant bedfellow. and the others are merely affairs.
i was meant for more and greatness. or at least something a little less anorexic then this last month has been.
viva l'indépendance!
continuez votre règne, oh mon coeur indompté

i'm still in this in-between valley of sorts. mountains raise up, tall and high, in either side, both beckoning me to their peaks. i know not the name of either, or what lays in waiting, but i am jointly lured and thus remain in my valley. so many things have changed and the scenery is so different. when the rocks gave way, so did my foundations. or so it would seem. i was climbing the mountain of 'life together' - marriage and children and white picket fences. but i lost my footing and had nothing to hold onto. so i fell to the bottom. and until right now, i've been just sitting here, stunned and confused, unsure of how to proceed. do i even want to climb again? i've since become bored. and restless. so i've decided to try it again. a little bit at a time. and certainly a different mountain. but i need to climb. to feel the blood in my veins, to break the earth in my hands, to taste the sweat. i must press on. being broken and bloodied does not discredit me from the summit. it only compels me to push harder, to press on through the pain. to know that the view from the summit will be worth the climb. i want to feel alive. 

-veracity-

i can see her face sometimes.

when i'm quiet and still

she revisits me.

every so often, i am unable to look away 

and we take a trip to places i hate.

his arms are wrapped around me,

close enough to whisper his perfectly placed words, 

dripping of truth and lies, 

i can taste our passion and my stomach lurches.

i encounter the rush of being discovered.

how could something so sweet kill so instantaneously?   

and so it began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

his arms held me close while his soul clenched mine tighter.

our sweet kisses soon left me desperate for air. 

all of our longings for one another left me longing for anything other.

and thus began my demise.

every so often, when i am quiet and unawares,

she creeps in softly and i see her sweet face

still so naive, so trusting, even after all this time.

and i am no longer able to forget that which should not be remembered.

she guides the way to the places i hate, to the places where death is stored.

the screams mistaken for music puncture my ears,

the throbbing bass pulses as my own heartbeat,

she sways and turns as if this moment is it.

the house lights a mere backdrop to the true art unfolding. 

that of predator and prey.

a quick word, a genuine smile, the rush of being discovered, and...

it is finished.

 just like that. 

without a moment's hesitation, her fate is sealed.

unabashedly, she takes the hand that will ultimately deal the final deathblow.

and thus it began.

first the truth, then the lies, then the lies that resembled truth.

late nights, midnight drives

hidden, undiscovered, surreal.

with the ease of one well versed in the tongues of liars, 

he created for her an altar and begged her for his salvation.

she acquiesced most earnestly and thus sentanced to die for his transgressions.

inscense {laden} of the sweetest words burned religiously

to cover the stench of his rotting intentions. 

his utopian lips, dripping of milk and laced-honey, 

spread their venom with every quixotic encounter

tangling their tendrils in her brain, 

benumbing her judgement and weakening her spine. 

 

and when the time for repentance came, 

he laid her on her alter and sacrificed her there.   

  

i may be losing my mind; i've certainly lost my heart

and again, i write from an untouched well that fills and spills and cascades out of my insides onto my typepad. it is so refershing to feel the release. to feel the emotions beating in time with my pulse again. i am overwhelmed and thus i must write quickly for fear i'll miss something. something imperitive may slip through my fingers and i'd never even know.

so much has happened in the last year. i've been fortified but its left me so fragile in the same breath. my resiliance has been tested and proved true many times over, but im afraid of losing it. one more thing may be the feather to topple my castle made of cards. i've tried so diligently, put so much time and effort into fortifying the walls and roof but i've only just remembered that its still merely playing cards. i've been trying to keep myslef distracted, in hopes of keeping my feelings at bay. i feel so deeply, so acutely, that it terrifies me to think of having to address them. i have such a sensitive spirit, and have experienced so much great hurt in such a small time, that once i get through the intial shock of pain, i look past it, trying desperately to move through it. its like being punched on a bruise, just trying to breathe through the pain without checking to see if there was any other damage. i have to take the extras in stride, step up and look at myself in truth's bright light. i hide so much. i've hidden most of it so deeply that even i have to search to find it. but i'm ready to stand face to face with myself, take off my make-up and facade, look at myself for real. its so far overdue. take stock of how well i've actually fared through this all... patch up the holes, clean out the closets, slap on some fresh paint.
and so i go on sabbatical, with high high hopes of coming back whole...

something akin to drowning...

i am the one i want to be. i dont want to be alone and so i try too hard to be me. i vie for the praise and the accolades of those far below in hopes of finding a proper reflection there of who i want to be, never revealing how much of the big picture i am really missing. it is but a fraction, a broken mirror image that im comparing myself to, molding myself to be like. a grotesque version of the beautiful entirety. why do i insist on selling myself short?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Man, how things change.- Mark Kozelek



looking back over even the last six months is difficult. how could i possible explore the heights and depths of where i've been? i've been through fire, fell through my glass ceiling of expectations, and drowned in the vast sea of regrets and cliches.

admist this disaster, i find hope.
admist this tragedy, i find strength.
you broke me.
but i have never been stronger.
you destroyed me.
but i've never been more alive.
i am a better person.
but no thanks to you.
because i am the creator and the creation
and you were merely an imperfection in the clay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in losing what i believed to be my everything, i have finally found what is me. i have passion and drive and fire in my eyes. i am finally living life as i've always meant to. my words have stopped and actions have taken their place. i was not meant to be unhappy. how blissfully unaware i was. i didnt even realize i was unhappy until i tasted true happiness. i am fulfilled. i am content. i'm excited to see where life is going. i'm not manic. i'm not psychotic. being with you made me that way. its not me. and it took being broken from you to make me see how much i was missing. so thank you for being devoid of emotion. thank you for cutting me deeper then anyone because it set free a beauty i didnt know i contained. i am free and enabled and empowered to go confidently in the directions of my dreams because i have no dead weight clouding my eyes.

i want to slit my wrists and bleed you out.
i feel you inside me.
my pounding blood is the beat of your name,
the whispers of my heart call for you.
i want to rip it out.
silence the voice.
drip you out of my system and pray i survive.
to burn down the pillars of you
and find my voice again.
my heart is my backbone.
as it breaks, it is made stronger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sweetest bliss of the most poisonous tree.
you swallowed me whole.
i buried myself in our idea.
i dug my own grave and blissfully slept unaware.
i fed myself the fruit and
drank deeply of the tainted juice.
i made my bed and invited you in.
your warmth was my sun,
your smile my blanket
your lies, the pillow under my head.
all i gave, i gave in ignorance.
but i gave from all i had.
your eyes were deep but you heart was shallow.
your lips were full but your words were empty.

i have a weakness. i need to be needed. it gives me security because it helps me see my parameters in any given relationship. i need to help. it strokes my ego to know that another person relies on my involvement in their life. it is where my sense of self worth comes from. or at least where i'm able to gather my sense of importance.
i find myself in a very precarious situation these days because i am not needed. my people have other people now. and it is such a good thing. but i find myself feeling very out of place in the relationship because i am unsure of my place. and i find myself questioning what i have to offer anyone. self-depreciation is far too quickly my fall back.
in any given relationship i am simply the other half. that is the only position i should have to take. when i put myself as the 'fixer' i am taking something beautiful away from someone else. no one is satisfied by one single other person. so it stands to reason that i cannot be all things to all people. i'm finding that i am able to redefine the relationship as it should be... simply, two people enjoying one another's company. no more, no less. its a very freeing experience. as it is with all chains recently broken, the wide openess of possibility can be very daunting but once aquainted, it is impossible to return.

we are grotesque

i hate that i can't shut this out. i have been that person. i am the one to go on acting normally and to not feel. but i don't know how to close this up. it keeps sneaking up on me at the most inopportune times. i dont want to remember. i dont want to forget. i honestly believe that this is the hardest thing a person will ever have to go through. the process of becoming unloved. needing love is one of the most basic and intrinsic needs as a human being. our very genetic make-up demands connection. not just overall connection but that one equal. the one person with whom no rules apply. the one we can give ourselves to entirely. i believe that we have several of these throughout our lives. people with whom we share the world. ones who see us and know us and just get us. they come in various forms and they stay for unprecidented time. but while they are there, we remember why we were created. completion. and we as people flourish.

i feel cheated. i always expected to lose you because i loved you so much. and i was right. it is atrocious that i had to give you everything i had to keep you, only to lose you, and consequently myself.

i hate being lost. i have spent so many wasted years of my short life feeling lost and out of place. i finally reached that point where i didnt have to feel amiss. i thought that you would be there to catch me. but i was wrong. and now i find myself back where i started. back in a place that's unreachable. i could head in any direction that i want. why that doesnt thrill me, i cannot understand. isnt that what i've always wanted? to be free and spontaneous and to not be held down? i hate being scared. i need to understand that it's ok. i went out on a huge limb and it broke and i fell, but that doesnt mean that i'm going to fall every time. eventually, i will be caught. eventually, it wont break me. every fall allows me to remember what it is to be alive. the process of getting to the limb was worth the fall. what i saw come from myself was completely worth it.

and maybe i was wrong about all of it. maybe love doesnt last. maybe it really isnt possible to experience forever. but it was incredible while i experienced it. i know that i am not the only person who has ever gone through this. im not so self absorbed as to think that nobody has ever felt this deeply, or acutely. but no one has felt what it feels like to be me feeling this. and in that i am alone. oh, if i could only make this ache go away. i believed in us and he doesnt anymore. he is moving on and the worst part is that i agree with him. we cant be who we were. he isnt the same and neither am i. we were starry eyed kids once who loved with a love that was bigger then us. we grew up and the love still didnt fit. what seemed so big seems a little on the small side now.

i wouldnt be scared if i had nothing to lose.