i may be losing my mind; i've certainly lost my heart

and again, i write from an untouched well that fills and spills and cascades out of my insides onto my typepad. it is so refershing to feel the release. to feel the emotions beating in time with my pulse again. i am overwhelmed and thus i must write quickly for fear i'll miss something. something imperitive may slip through my fingers and i'd never even know.

so much has happened in the last year. i've been fortified but its left me so fragile in the same breath. my resiliance has been tested and proved true many times over, but im afraid of losing it. one more thing may be the feather to topple my castle made of cards. i've tried so diligently, put so much time and effort into fortifying the walls and roof but i've only just remembered that its still merely playing cards. i've been trying to keep myslef distracted, in hopes of keeping my feelings at bay. i feel so deeply, so acutely, that it terrifies me to think of having to address them. i have such a sensitive spirit, and have experienced so much great hurt in such a small time, that once i get through the intial shock of pain, i look past it, trying desperately to move through it. its like being punched on a bruise, just trying to breathe through the pain without checking to see if there was any other damage. i have to take the extras in stride, step up and look at myself in truth's bright light. i hide so much. i've hidden most of it so deeply that even i have to search to find it. but i'm ready to stand face to face with myself, take off my make-up and facade, look at myself for real. its so far overdue. take stock of how well i've actually fared through this all... patch up the holes, clean out the closets, slap on some fresh paint.
and so i go on sabbatical, with high high hopes of coming back whole...

something akin to drowning...

i am the one i want to be. i dont want to be alone and so i try too hard to be me. i vie for the praise and the accolades of those far below in hopes of finding a proper reflection there of who i want to be, never revealing how much of the big picture i am really missing. it is but a fraction, a broken mirror image that im comparing myself to, molding myself to be like. a grotesque version of the beautiful entirety. why do i insist on selling myself short?

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Man, how things change.- Mark Kozelek



looking back over even the last six months is difficult. how could i possible explore the heights and depths of where i've been? i've been through fire, fell through my glass ceiling of expectations, and drowned in the vast sea of regrets and cliches.

admist this disaster, i find hope.
admist this tragedy, i find strength.
you broke me.
but i have never been stronger.
you destroyed me.
but i've never been more alive.
i am a better person.
but no thanks to you.
because i am the creator and the creation
and you were merely an imperfection in the clay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in losing what i believed to be my everything, i have finally found what is me. i have passion and drive and fire in my eyes. i am finally living life as i've always meant to. my words have stopped and actions have taken their place. i was not meant to be unhappy. how blissfully unaware i was. i didnt even realize i was unhappy until i tasted true happiness. i am fulfilled. i am content. i'm excited to see where life is going. i'm not manic. i'm not psychotic. being with you made me that way. its not me. and it took being broken from you to make me see how much i was missing. so thank you for being devoid of emotion. thank you for cutting me deeper then anyone because it set free a beauty i didnt know i contained. i am free and enabled and empowered to go confidently in the directions of my dreams because i have no dead weight clouding my eyes.

i want to slit my wrists and bleed you out.
i feel you inside me.
my pounding blood is the beat of your name,
the whispers of my heart call for you.
i want to rip it out.
silence the voice.
drip you out of my system and pray i survive.
to burn down the pillars of you
and find my voice again.
my heart is my backbone.
as it breaks, it is made stronger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sweetest bliss of the most poisonous tree.
you swallowed me whole.
i buried myself in our idea.
i dug my own grave and blissfully slept unaware.
i fed myself the fruit and
drank deeply of the tainted juice.
i made my bed and invited you in.
your warmth was my sun,
your smile my blanket
your lies, the pillow under my head.
all i gave, i gave in ignorance.
but i gave from all i had.
your eyes were deep but you heart was shallow.
your lips were full but your words were empty.

i have a weakness. i need to be needed. it gives me security because it helps me see my parameters in any given relationship. i need to help. it strokes my ego to know that another person relies on my involvement in their life. it is where my sense of self worth comes from. or at least where i'm able to gather my sense of importance.
i find myself in a very precarious situation these days because i am not needed. my people have other people now. and it is such a good thing. but i find myself feeling very out of place in the relationship because i am unsure of my place. and i find myself questioning what i have to offer anyone. self-depreciation is far too quickly my fall back.
in any given relationship i am simply the other half. that is the only position i should have to take. when i put myself as the 'fixer' i am taking something beautiful away from someone else. no one is satisfied by one single other person. so it stands to reason that i cannot be all things to all people. i'm finding that i am able to redefine the relationship as it should be... simply, two people enjoying one another's company. no more, no less. its a very freeing experience. as it is with all chains recently broken, the wide openess of possibility can be very daunting but once aquainted, it is impossible to return.

we are grotesque

i hate that i can't shut this out. i have been that person. i am the one to go on acting normally and to not feel. but i don't know how to close this up. it keeps sneaking up on me at the most inopportune times. i dont want to remember. i dont want to forget. i honestly believe that this is the hardest thing a person will ever have to go through. the process of becoming unloved. needing love is one of the most basic and intrinsic needs as a human being. our very genetic make-up demands connection. not just overall connection but that one equal. the one person with whom no rules apply. the one we can give ourselves to entirely. i believe that we have several of these throughout our lives. people with whom we share the world. ones who see us and know us and just get us. they come in various forms and they stay for unprecidented time. but while they are there, we remember why we were created. completion. and we as people flourish.

i feel cheated. i always expected to lose you because i loved you so much. and i was right. it is atrocious that i had to give you everything i had to keep you, only to lose you, and consequently myself.

i hate being lost. i have spent so many wasted years of my short life feeling lost and out of place. i finally reached that point where i didnt have to feel amiss. i thought that you would be there to catch me. but i was wrong. and now i find myself back where i started. back in a place that's unreachable. i could head in any direction that i want. why that doesnt thrill me, i cannot understand. isnt that what i've always wanted? to be free and spontaneous and to not be held down? i hate being scared. i need to understand that it's ok. i went out on a huge limb and it broke and i fell, but that doesnt mean that i'm going to fall every time. eventually, i will be caught. eventually, it wont break me. every fall allows me to remember what it is to be alive. the process of getting to the limb was worth the fall. what i saw come from myself was completely worth it.

and maybe i was wrong about all of it. maybe love doesnt last. maybe it really isnt possible to experience forever. but it was incredible while i experienced it. i know that i am not the only person who has ever gone through this. im not so self absorbed as to think that nobody has ever felt this deeply, or acutely. but no one has felt what it feels like to be me feeling this. and in that i am alone. oh, if i could only make this ache go away. i believed in us and he doesnt anymore. he is moving on and the worst part is that i agree with him. we cant be who we were. he isnt the same and neither am i. we were starry eyed kids once who loved with a love that was bigger then us. we grew up and the love still didnt fit. what seemed so big seems a little on the small side now.

i wouldnt be scared if i had nothing to lose.

sometimes i really wonder what this life is all about. i mean, this is not a new question. i realize. i am not the first, nor will i be the last to ask it. but i think it is a different answer for every person. so what is it for me? i smile with a taste of bitter at how simple my answers used to be. I loved much easier then. why am i different now? i have known pain. i have tasted the harshest of rejection and carry my scars as badges. look at how strong i am. look at what i've been through. look at what i've done. look at me. my badges do nothing to fight the insecurities. daily, that unkind, unwavering question presents itself ... am i enough? and daily, i met a hollow, resounding no. what must it take for me to accept myself? i attempt severance. oh how i want to not care. how i wish i was not fragile nor broken. but i am, dammit. i am in pieces. i have this shell that i reside in but it houses pieces, not a whole. sometimes, i feel as though i'm bleeding out. i have been an open wound the last few weeks. it keeps showing at the most inopportune times. i don't want to need you. i don't want to need anyone. but i can't help it, it seems. you fill the spot to make me feel like me. i have not found the balance of too much versus not enough. am i too much for you? perhaps my brokenness is and consequently it leaves too little of me to satisfy your need. i will not be this way forever. im sorry i came to you in bits. you'll just have to put me back together again. but that's not truly up to you. i know it and you know it. but sometimes i like to pretend. sometimes, it's so much easier to think that you're not doing your job when actually i'm not doing mine. this mess is mine. not yours. you may help me make a masterpiece of it. but in the end, i get the credit. i didn't break it. i'm just the one left holding the pieces. you hurt me from ignorance. you don't know what this feels like. so all i'm asking is believe in me. your job is to remind me of what the picture is supposed to look like. sometimes i forget and i get crabby and i get needy and i demand more then you can give. and then i retreat and i get pathetic and weepy, and even more needy. it's just because im hurting some more. it's because my pieces are showing. remember that game we used to play where we were doctors and we operated on people? well i feel like that guy with all the glass in his heart. it was all sticking out and sharp. that's me on the inside. and i keep it covered because if i just walked around with a gaping wound that looked as scary as that heart did, people would head for the hills. so i reserve it for a select few. mainly you. and sometimes i think that those closest to my heart get cut too. please understand that i don't want you so close. not because i don't want you but because i am the phantom, with my disfigurement hidden beneath a mask. i look at myself and i see myself through the eyes of rejection. i feel the cloak of unworthiness heavy on my shoulders and i am crowned the queen of the unlovelies. when i look at myself, i see my scars. my mask is not fake. so fear not. it is a perfect rendition of what i am working on becoming, on who i want to be. i dont want make this your mess. but i so desperately need to be known as i am. i search your eyes to find my completion. to remind me of what the picture is supposed to look like. i am still healing and not all wounds are permanent. i wish i could wear my mask around you. i wish i could leave my vulnerability at the door and drown in the deliciousness we've found in this love of ours. it's not that i want to hide from you. it's just that i couldn't bear for the moment when the mask is forgotten or cast aside unexpectedly and you caught a glimpse of what lies beneath. if you can't love my ugly, then my beauty has nothing for you. unfortunately, it includes all of my scars and the ones still healing. i've come so far in a short time. maybe you can't see that but i have. and i'm not finished yet. so all of this was simply to ask that you be patient. remind me of the girl i am. you have seen me. you know who i am. sometimes, when the pain is too much, i forget. and that's where i seem to find myself these days. and maybe all i needed was to think things through and write it out. maybe i'll find myself out of this funk. but maybe i won't. at least not today. but at least you know whats going on and why.
i love you.
with more love then i ever thought this broken pot could contain,
-me

let it be

and so, in this vast sea of indecision that i am currently drowning in, i have at last found a beacon of hope on the horizon. why it took me so long to come to this realization is beyond me. alas, i have realized that, even though i crave change and variance, i have had my fill. i have lived in seven different locations in the last year which translates into seven different houses in five different cities in two states. in a mere 365 days. i am ridiculous. i am staying put for now. one year. absolutely no changes in life until january of next year. it is time for roots and growth and healing. i need this time to figure myself out. i need time to be. i need to be whoever i find that i need to be, whoever that is. i need freedom for myself. i simply need time to just be. and so shall i recieve. i have big life decisions that need to be made. i need to process everything that has happened in the last year and i need to clear my head. i need to get into the nitty gritty and live it. period.

i am breaking in two. breaking into a million smaller pieces, each a distinct version of myself. i read others writing and something so deep in me moves that i cannot breathe. i long for knowledge and truth and beauty and desire. oh how i am famished for passion. i want to love and hurt and i want my ache to mean something. you say a heart is a fragile thing, but why is mine not breaking? i should be dead but i'm thriving. more then merely surving and yet...it is still not enough. i have no answers. i have no truth. all i have is longing for things i can never attain. so many figs, not enough time. i want to devour them so grandly that the juice spills from my mouth and my hands are stained. i want to know what it feels like to not be empty. to be full to overflowing so that i might pour on those around me. passion is worthless if it's not shared. i was made for more. my soul silently screams, i was meant for more. the very rythym of heart pounds out, i was made for more.